Love me vs. I Love Me

Disclaimer: The following post may produce a "duh" from the happily coupled.  Good for you! Seriously.  Some of us are a little behind the curve. If you simply don't agree, I respect your opinion. Namaste 

It’s a single letter, I, but the difference it makes is gargantuan. Ours is a culture obsessed with romance and drama, and I am one of the worst offenders.  Years of watching Disney movies and Rom-Coms have embedded in my head that the love of my life must include a handsome prince, tests of loyalty, and at least one major break up, but a recent break up with someone I loved made me realize that “love” as I thought it was defined is really just romance.  I guess that’s why they’re called Romantic Comedies and not Love Comedies.

You will never find true love in another person.  You can feel true love for another person, but the only way to discover true love is to look at yourself and all your flaws and shortcomings and LOVE them all.  If there are ways you can be kinder to yourself and, as an extension to other people, or if you have a goal you want to achieve, by all means, set those goals and meet them, but don’t do it for someone else.  You will only end up resenting them.

The last (who was also the first) long term boyfriend I had, was a nice guy, but he was really looking for someone fundamentally different from me, and I eventually learned that he didn’t have the things that I wanted in a mate.  It was clear pretty early on, but I think both of us wanted to be in a relationship so badly that we held on.  Each of us tried to change our essential natures to match up to what the other person wanted, which meant neither of us were being our true selves.  Though I can't speak for him, I don't think either of us really loved ourselves as we were.

After we broke up, I went on a quest to repair the damage.  I took a hard look at myself and I evaluated who I was and what I wanted.  I decided what I wanted to improve and what would always be the same, and learned to accept that.  Over the months, I streamlined my priorities and recently have become more comfortable and sure of myself than ever.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t quite there when I first started dating the last guy, and neither was he.  I was strongly drawn to him, but I also found some things in him I wished were a little different. Ironically enough, it didn’t make me want to try to change him, which was hard because I'm a pathological "helper".  When I felt myself trying to influence him, I would stop myself. After getting to know him a little bit, I felt nothing but love towards him. 

I realized that the "flaws" I found not-so-perfect in him were the very things I needed to deal with within myself.  In fact, early on, those things drove me to make some mistakes that turned out to be fatal to the relationship.  

When we ended things, I was sad and confused, but I also realized something.  Over the last few months, I was doing the work I needed to heal and develop, so even though I’m very disappointed that things didn't work out, I love myself more than ever and that's enough for me right now.  

Some people might call that narcissism, but if you want to be kind to other people, you have to be kind to yourself first.  If you’re doing nice things for other people, but you resent them for it, it doesn’t make you nice, it makes you a martyr. Vibes are a real thing and they can hurt, even when unspoken.

For most of my life I’ve been sending out the “Love Me” vibe because I didn’t really love myself, but I can honestly say that I do now, and I believe that like attracts like, or in this case, love attracts love. I love me and when I attract a man who loves himself and there's a connection, that will be awesome.

Mindfulness Part I: Learning to Meditate

Recently, I came across an article in Time Magazine's Feb. 3 Issue called, "the Mindful Revolution".  In it, journalist Kate Pickert explores the movement which is helping people reconnect to their center and reclaim their sanity while living in a world where constant information overload is an understatement.

Being mindful is a simple concept, but one that is very hard to understand and access for most people.  The idea of doing nothing is one that most Americans just can't wrap their heads around.

Though I've been practicing yoga for over ten years, I've never had a dedicated meditation practice until a couple of months ago.  For some reason, I woke up one day and decided that I would attempt to meditate every single day for fifteen minutes.  Without checking my email or texts, I grab my phone and command Siri, "Set timer for fifteen minutes."

At first, it was TOUGH.  I fidgeted, my thoughts were all over the place, and I thought the time would never end.  But after several sessions, I noticed something.  As the days went by, my thoughts started to slow down.  Sometimes, I begin with a question or intention; maybe a seed of something that has been troubling me.  I have the thought, but then let it go.  Next, I simply pay attention to my breathing and my body and the sensory stimulation from my environment.

When I meditate regularly, my mental beach transforms from Panama City on Spring Break to something closer to this little piece of God's country. 

After doing THAT for a several days, not always, but often, these light-bulbs would come on with great clarity, often as an answer to the question I asked at the beginning.  And sometimes, almost like clock-work, if you will, the timer would go off just afterwards.

Since I've been meditating, my life has just begun to slowly but surely streamline, and now if I don't get to meditate in the morning because I wake up late or something, I definitely feel like I'm missing out and carve out a time later in the day to make up for it.

In the Time article, Kate Pickert discusses different people, companies, and Apps that are making meditation and mindfulness more accessible to people.

My personal favorite from the bunch is an App called "Headspace", which I will discuss in Mindfulness Part II: Get Some Headspace.

Mindfulness Part II: Get Some Headspace

In Mindfulness Part I, I started to discuss the ideas of Mindfulness and Meditation, and my own personal experience with discovering the benefits of Meditation.

Over a gab-session at Starbucks with a good friend of mine, the subject of meditation came up. We were both discussing the usual drama in our lives, and I mentioned that since starting to meditate, mine has begun to subside.

She responded, "I know I should meditate, but the idea of being quiet and alone with my thoughts is just...scary!"

That's when I told her about an App that I discovered recently in Time Magazine's "Mindful Revolution" feature by Kate Pickert.

The App is called Headspace and is the brain-child of Andy Puddicombe, a former Buddhist Monk and the holder of a Circus Arts degree, who founded Headspace with the mission, according to the website, "to make meditation accessible, relevant, and beneficial to as many people as possible."

Here's Andy's Ted Talk, from YouTube:

The Headspace App, which can be downloaded onto your mobile device or tablet from the iTunes or Android App Store, or accessed from your computer via , features short, daily meditations that are easily incorporated into your life.

Headspace is perfect for those people who cannot yet justify doing "nothing" for a short period, but are willing to discover the benefits of meditation with the guidance of a pro.

The website, getsomeheadspace.com, features several animated videos explaining the concept of meditation in an adorable, understandable way.

The videos and mediation are all narrated by Andy, whose English accent is inviting and unpretentious

The "Take 10" introductory program features ten days of (free!)10-minute guided meditation. During the program, Andy introduces the concepts of mediation, as he leads you through.  Each day, he revisits the concepts from previous days, building upon them.  During this ten days, listeners not only are getting the benefits of a ten-minute time-out, but also are getting a crash course in Meditation 101 almost by osmosis.

After the ten days, users can subscribe to more advance programs for about the price of a Netflix account, and get a years worth of meditations of different levels to help continue their personal journeys.

I just finished the Take 10 program and have loved my 10-minute recess every day.  Each day, after completing my 10 minutes, I've come away feeling refreshed and relaxed, with a great quality of breath and more clarity going forth through my day.  I could not imagine turning back at this point.

Check it out!

Oscar Season: American Hustle

My quest to take in all the best picture nominees continues...

Next on the list is American Hustle.

This film has been the talk of Hollywood since long before it was released.  The sheer sexiness of the cast was enough for me to do my part for their box office numbers.  Even Christian Bale with his comb-over and beer gut is appealing in his own special way.

But, why is it in the list of the best pics of 2013?  To be honest, the movie was a little slow for me at the beginning.  Towards the end, things really got good and I'm glad I stuck around.  Writer, Eric Warren Singer, and Writer/Director David O. Russell have created an ensemble piece, a complex and engaging story based on real events, and a well-rounded contender worthy of Academy consideration.

Many have panned this movie, opining that it is undeserving of an Oscar nomination, but as a whole, I'd argue it was pretty air-tight.  Maybe not epic, but more well-done than many of the films out last year.

Of course, it all comes back to the acting for me.  Christian Bale completely disappeares into his character.  He is no longer the dashing Welshman who has charmed us since Newsies, but a self-reinvented con man from the wrong side of the tracks.  Amy Adams slips effortlessly in and out of her own fabricated persona.  Jennifer Lawrence captures a character far beyond her own life experience. Bradley Cooper gets sucked into a dangerous game completely unaware of his actual role in the whole thing.

Despite the fact that Irv and Sydney are unequivocal criminals, I was on their side throughout the film.  And despite the main story of this film being about the FBI ABSCAM sting, the film was also a love-story about two people deeply entwined while at the same time being divided by social obstacles, such as Irv's unhappy marriage, jealousy, and the necessities of their business.

To ice the cake, the production team also nailed the re-creation of the late 70s and 80s--the music, the hair, the clothes. Yeah, baby.

Oscar Season: The Wolf of Wall Street

This weekend I (finally!) took in the controversial smash, the Wolf of Wall Street, the tale of stock tycoon Jordan Belfort.  I'm always amazed at how Martin Scorsese, who seems like a sweet grandfather of a man, can cut to the core of the darkness of the human soul.

So, why was this one nominated?  First off, for a movie that was a few minutes shy of 3 hours, it sure seemed to go by quickly.  While Terence Winter already had an incredible story in Belfort's memoir, which almost seems too fantastic to be real, he turned it into a masterpiece of an adapted screenplay.  The music was phenomenal.  The cinematic flourishes were subtle, but effective.

Most of all, it came back to the acting for me.  I was enthralled with each and every character: Jonah Hill as Donnie Azoff, with his Chiclet teeth and WASP-wannabe ways; Rob Reiner, the morally-conflicted father, Max Belfort; beautiful, sweet, gold-digging Naomi (Margot Robbie); vigilant and humble Agent Patrick Denham (Kyle Chandler).  Even Matthew McConaughey, who makes a tiny appearance, leaves a big impression. The king of the film was the Wolf of Wall Street himself, Jordan Belfort, masterfully played by Leonardo diCaprio, who became more and more wolf-like throughout the film.  The character was detestable and likeable at the same time.  The development of this arguably sociopathic character was a tantalizing trainwreck.  I knew I was supposed to hate what was going on, and I found my skin crawling, but at the same time, it was totally titillating.

The trouble with the movie, and Belfort's story in general, is that there is no redeemable moral lesson here.  The moral lesson is that morals are irrelevant.  But, when do Scorsese's movies ever offer a moral lesson?  I mean look at the Departed.  (spoiler 

alert) Good and bad, everybody dies.

My hope is that viewers are smart enough to realize that even material riches beyond one's wildest dreams are not worth destroying the lives of innocent people.  I think a percentage of the audience, though, will take away from this story that if you're smart enough, you can get away with anything.

Oscar Season: August: Osage County

This past week, I began the formidable task of scrambling to catch up on the 10 Best-Picture Academy Award Nominees for 2013-14.  I’m a little behind this year, so I've got my work cut out for me.

The first feature I watched was August:Osage County.  I watched the film on a SAG screener while doing incredibly mind-numbing temp work.  Though not an ideal viewing format, I could still appreciate why this film was nominated.

There were two things that stood out to me most.  One, was that I could feel the heat of Osage County radiating from my computer screen.  The cinematography, the music, perhaps even the filter of the lens brought me right into that dust bowl of misery. 

Even more than that, the acting hit all the right spots.  Meryl Streep, as the pill- and disease-addled matriarch, Violet Weston, bears the scars and disease of a lifetime of anguish, often taking it out on her family.  Her daughters, played by Julia Roberts, Julianne Nicholson, and Juliette Lewis, struggle to cope with her degeneration, while at the same time dealing with the demons in their own personal lives and relationships.  Each character, lead and supporting, is deeply complex and the threads of dysfunction are sewn deeply into the fabric of this family. 

The film, which was originally a play by Tracy Letts begs the question, can the fruit of a poison tree ever learn to be sweet, or are we damned to pass on the pain we have endured from those who came before us?

It’s not a happy one, but very few Oscar nominees are.  And, though the subject matter is painful, there is humor throughout.  A good drama will always allow for the funny, just like in life.  I know that at my grandmother’s funeral a few months ago, I cried of course, but I laughed almost as much.  That is the beauty of being human.