Love me vs. I Love Me

Disclaimer: The following post may produce a "duh" from the happily coupled.  Good for you! Seriously.  Some of us are a little behind the curve. If you simply don't agree, I respect your opinion. Namaste 

It’s a single letter, I, but the difference it makes is gargantuan. Ours is a culture obsessed with romance and drama, and I am one of the worst offenders.  Years of watching Disney movies and Rom-Coms have embedded in my head that the love of my life must include a handsome prince, tests of loyalty, and at least one major break up, but a recent break up with someone I loved made me realize that “love” as I thought it was defined is really just romance.  I guess that’s why they’re called Romantic Comedies and not Love Comedies.

You will never find true love in another person.  You can feel true love for another person, but the only way to discover true love is to look at yourself and all your flaws and shortcomings and LOVE them all.  If there are ways you can be kinder to yourself and, as an extension to other people, or if you have a goal you want to achieve, by all means, set those goals and meet them, but don’t do it for someone else.  You will only end up resenting them.

The last (who was also the first) long term boyfriend I had, was a nice guy, but he was really looking for someone fundamentally different from me, and I eventually learned that he didn’t have the things that I wanted in a mate.  It was clear pretty early on, but I think both of us wanted to be in a relationship so badly that we held on.  Each of us tried to change our essential natures to match up to what the other person wanted, which meant neither of us were being our true selves.  Though I can't speak for him, I don't think either of us really loved ourselves as we were.

After we broke up, I went on a quest to repair the damage.  I took a hard look at myself and I evaluated who I was and what I wanted.  I decided what I wanted to improve and what would always be the same, and learned to accept that.  Over the months, I streamlined my priorities and recently have become more comfortable and sure of myself than ever.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t quite there when I first started dating the last guy, and neither was he.  I was strongly drawn to him, but I also found some things in him I wished were a little different. Ironically enough, it didn’t make me want to try to change him, which was hard because I'm a pathological "helper".  When I felt myself trying to influence him, I would stop myself. After getting to know him a little bit, I felt nothing but love towards him. 

I realized that the "flaws" I found not-so-perfect in him were the very things I needed to deal with within myself.  In fact, early on, those things drove me to make some mistakes that turned out to be fatal to the relationship.  

When we ended things, I was sad and confused, but I also realized something.  Over the last few months, I was doing the work I needed to heal and develop, so even though I’m very disappointed that things didn't work out, I love myself more than ever and that's enough for me right now.  

Some people might call that narcissism, but if you want to be kind to other people, you have to be kind to yourself first.  If you’re doing nice things for other people, but you resent them for it, it doesn’t make you nice, it makes you a martyr. Vibes are a real thing and they can hurt, even when unspoken.

For most of my life I’ve been sending out the “Love Me” vibe because I didn’t really love myself, but I can honestly say that I do now, and I believe that like attracts like, or in this case, love attracts love. I love me and when I attract a man who loves himself and there's a connection, that will be awesome.