Better Luck Next Time

During my intensive actor training, I had the pleasure of playing some unbelievable characters. Cold-hearted villainesses, widowed queens, champions of the wrongly accused. These women--Lady Anne, Natalya Petrovna, Evelyn from the Shape of Things, to name a few--were complicated, with layers of secrets, motivations and wants. After the gauntlet of emotional jumping jacks and squat-thrusts they put me through at the Academy, I am confident that I can tackle any dramatic challenge that you can throw at me.

So, when I got an invitation to audition for "Sassy/Fun woman who gets excited when she wins money at the Casino table," I was like, piece of cake, right? Let's see. I'm already Sassy/Fun. And, I'm a woman. Uh-oh...I have never won money at a casino table. But, I KNOW I'd be excited if I did!

Homework, Done.

So, I put on my most adorable high-rolling attire and headed to Beverly Hills for the audition. They had made it very clear to me that it was important that I be punctual, as they had chosen me as one of an elite group of Sassy/Fun girls. So, I left super early, which turned out to be a good instinct because traffic on Santa Monica was horrendous. It didn't occur to me just how horrendous til I noticed the driver sitting in the car next to me staring at me and I looked down and realized that I was SLAMMING the edges of my steering wheel to the beat of Santana's "Oye Como Vas." Ok, Breathe in pink, Breathe out blue, Shannon.

Anyway, finally, I got to Nic's Martini Bar, where the audition was being held. I noticed a giant gaggle of women, all of whom looked like they could be right at home on a cruise ship.

My heart sunk. They had said I had been chosen specifically out of THOUSANDS of girls and I had felt, well, special. Now, I felt...NOT special. Ugh.

When the free parking lot was full, I almost considered turning around and heading home. But that is just not my spirit, and besides, I looked adorable. Was I supposed to let that go to waste?

So luckily, I found a meter a few blocks away, put on my sunglasses and my straw floppy Sienna Miller Bo-ho hat, and Walked up North Canon drive. It was kind of cool to see people trying to figure out who I was. I'm nobody, I laughed to myself. Silly people :)

But it was I who felt silly when I got up to the massive throng of women. They looked ridiculous packing themselves up like sardines towards the door of the restaurant. And, now I was one of them.

Again, I almost turned around, but they started taking large groups of about 15 in at a time, so again, I was like, ok, I'll stick around for a minute. Ok, 45 minutes.

Finally, it was time to see what was behind door #1.

I filed in with my group of women and we lined up, much in the same way prisoners line up to be executed. The casting assistant immediately ran down the line and picked out all of the shorter, ethnically ambiguous girls, all of them gorgeous, and asked them to go into another line. "I'm looking for a very specific type," she said.

These were the chosen ones who got to go over to the imaginary casino table and cheer about their imaginary winnings. Although, if you think about it, the buy-out was a thousand dollars, so for one lucky girl, it would be a jack-pot of sorts.

But for me, it was the end of the line. I kicked myself for being not ethnically-ambiguous enough. The casting girl, Andrea, did a little "meet-and-greet" for the rest of us, saying "thanks for coming out" to most people, a thinly-veiled consolation prize. She asked a couple people to tell her something about themselves, but when the woman before me launched into her life story, Andrea said, "Um, one sentence, honey."

I had been nervous about that question, so in my head, I scrolled through my entire database of life experience and, I came up with, "I'm from Virginia and I'm a singer," which I held onto for dear life.

Alas, I never got to share my sad story, as Andrea simply asked me for my headshot and told me I had beautiful eyes, before thanking me for coming and kicking my ass to the curb.

Well, luckily that little crumb of superficial encouragement was enough to keep my ego intact, and I exited, giving the well-accessorized mob a wink and a mischievous smile, wishing them luck. I then put back on my dark glasses and floppy hat, and marched, head held high, back to my car, which thankfully, did not have a ticket on it.

Well, the house may have won this one, but in the end, I plan on cracking the nut. :)