The Job Search Blues

I recently graduated from my latest round of higher education after receiving my AA in Performing Arts from the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, and thus have been on a quest for the coveted/dreaded day job to support my real career as an Actor. As I already have a BA from an Ivy League school, a varied resume across a wide range of industries, and the gift of gab obtained by kissing the Blarney Stone on a family trip to Ireland, this should be a piece of cake, right?

The best part about applying for jobs in the internet age is that everything is online, so you don't even have to leave the house! I can sit in my bed, in my pajamas, with my laptop propped up on my knees. It's all right there. A million job sites, a million jobs, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

And, it's actually kind of fun. The best is when there is a test that vaguely resembles the SAT with a thousand questions that you have to complete in 10 minutes or your computer will explode, which makes it feel like a game.

Then, there's the personality test which asks you questions like, "I have temper tantrums at work: Always, Sometimes, Never, No response." I mean if you say Always, they won't hire you because you're probably crazy. If you say sometimes, at least your honest, but you're still a loose-cannon. If you say never, you're a liar, and if you say No Response, well it's just like when a mobster pleads the 5th when asked point blank if he's put the hit on Sammy the Tuna.

Of course, the only tiny problem, is that half way through the application, I will have another brilliant idea about another job I should I apply to or an undeniable urge to google something. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I'll realize I have about fifty different windows open, half of them being incomplete job applications and the other half gmail, Twitter, Facebook, and articles about the religious cults, tornadoes, or diet and fitness plans.

As much fun as I have filling out these online applications, as a recovering, often-relapsing Over-Achiever whose "hard work" has, in the past, bordered on self-flagellation, I decided that it was not enough to fill out the applications on line. What kind of initiative does it take to sit on my ass and type my way to carpal tunnel? You can't capture my winning smile in an anonymous, online survey!

So, last week, I put on my best young professional attire, printed out a couple fresh copies of my resume, and headed down the street to the Marriott Renaissance Hotel. I knew I must have looked the part, because one of the guys trying to get me to go on a tour of the Stars' homes told me I must be an C.E.O.

First, I walked right up to the front desk and asked to see the manager about applying for a job at the front desk. She then directed me to a computer in the back of the building. I started applying on the computer, but then realized that I could be doing this from home, and H.R. was closed anyway, so I went home, put on my PJ's, and completed the application there.

Then, yesterday, I decided to go back and drop off my paper resume. I got all yuppied up and marched down there again. This time, the office was open and I smiled and explained that I had applied on-line, but I wanted to to drop off my resume and speak with someone in person.

"I'm sorry, we don't take paper resumes," said John, the young man sitting at the front desk.

I sweetly pressed and asked what the best way to get in front of a human person would be, but John wouldn't budge. He said it's all done through the system and they did nothing in person. After I probed a little bit further into the customer service situation, he admitted that they had already offered the job to others for the positions I was interested in anyway.

Now, I supposed there were some very un-Catholic things I could have done to get myself behind the front desk of the Marriott, but I'm not that kind of girl, so I politely thanked John for his help, and headed on my way. Now, here I sit, laptop on knees, typing away, hoping that another door will open as I fill out a million more questions about dividing fractions, analogies, and how motivated I am by external reward. (Very Motivated, in case your were wondering.)

Who knows when my number will be picked out of the vast cloud of cyberspace? Will anyone be able to sense that star-quality that got me chosen by my 7th grade teachers as Most Likely to Succeed? And if I am chosen because I fit all the requirements, will it even be one of the jobs I really want?

When girls are sitting around a table, talking about the guys we're dating, there is a reason why one of us will get this screwy look on our face and say, "But he was so good on paper!" Yeah, he seemed like the perfect candidate and all of his stats add up, but that spark, that chemistry, it just wasn't there!

Well, when you refuse to allow people to walk in for a job, the same problem applies. Could that be why the turn-over rate is so high? Maybe if you actually paid attention to the people who want the job enough to get off their rear ends and come in, and didn't just sift through hundreds or thousands of online resumes, you might have someone who might stick around a while.